Just Push Play – Live Your Life Now

On By April HugheyIn Goal Setting, Meaningful Existence, PrioritiesLeave a comment

Are you waiting for some great event for you to be happy? Do you have the fantasy that life will be better if only you…. lost 10 pounds, found a better partner, made more money, had more free time?

Stop existing with your life on pause. Hit Play and enjoy your life now. Wear the bathing suit now and chase your kids in the surf. Search for a new job now if the current one makes you miserable. Ask out the attractive man in accounting.

Life will never be perfect and the planets will not align themselves so go live your life now! I am not suggesting an existence without moral or ethical boundaries – you can have fun while being true to yourself.

If you want to have a happier life, take the steps needed now. Push play and stop waiting.

A Goal Must Be Specific To Be Achievable

On By April HugheyIn Goal Setting, Meaningful Existence, Priorities, ReflectionLeave a comment

It’s that time of year – we are nearing the end of January and some of our New Year’s Resolutions have fallen by the wayside. This has led some researchers to conclude that this is the most depressing time of year; the temperatures have dropped and we haven’t kept our resolutions.

I don’t make resolutions and I do not suggest my clients do so because resolution implies “re-solving” a problem. My clients are not broken, they do not need to be fixed. There is nothing to resolve. I do encourage clients and friends to set goals.

Goals must be specific and timely. Specific means the goal must have a finite and tangible outcome. A desire to be healthy is not a goal – it is a hope or wish. It is blue-sky and birds singing joyously. It is dancing forest animals and warm ocean breezes.  It is a nice fantasy. The goal to lose 10 pounds in two months by eating smaller portions of carbohydrates and adding two servings of fruit a day is a goal – time bound and specific.

I love it when a plan comes together and I love helping my clients formulate a plan for success. As the example above shows, getting healthy is a lofty desire and losing ten pounds in four months is a goal that is specific and time-bound.

Making a plan can be tough. I suggest that to develop a plan for success, you need to set the stage for planning. I suggest my clients set aside 30 minutes a day and have the following tools on hand:

  • notepad or notebook
  • yearly overview calendar
  • timer

When you have the stage set, write down your first thought of your goal, In our example, Get Healthy. After that, ask yourself these questions:

  • What does this mean for me?
  • How will I feel if I accomplish this goal?
  • What do I have to change to attain this goal?
  • Can this goal be more specific?
  • What is the alternative?
  • How will I feel if I cannot achieve this goal in the time I have allotted for myself?

As you answer these questions, you may develop new goals or refine the original. I suggest going through at least three iterations of these questions and refining the goals. Using our original goal of getting healthy, here is how the questions maybe answered.

GOAL: Get Healthy

  • What does this mean for me? Losing weight
  • How will I feel if I accomplish this goal? Better about myself
  • What do I have to change to attain this goal? Eat better
  • Can this goal be more specific? Specific amount of weight?
  • What is the alternative? Continue on as I have been
  • How will I feel if I cannot achieve this goal in the time I have allotted for myself? Depends -did I lose weight?

Refined Goal: Lose 10 pounds

  • What does this mean for me? Feeling more comfortable in my clothes
  • How will I feel if I accomplish this goal? Proud
  • What do I have to change to attain this goal? Eat less snack food
  • Can this goal be more specific? What is a realistic time-frame for losing this weight?
  • What is the alternative? I do nothing
  • How will I feel if I cannot achieve this goal in the time I have allotted for myself? Frustrated

Do not spend more than three sessions refining your goals. You may get caught in the Paralysis of Analysis; you spend so much time analyzing that you fail to act. Once you have a realistic and time-bound goal, we will make a plan.

To be continued….

Amplifying Our Inner Voice

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Are you listening to your inner voice? Are you listening to it like it is a Siren’s call? Or are you ignoring it; hoping that it will be quiet and leave you be? We all have that inner voice. We have heard it since about the age of 5. Remember when you wanted to be a policeman, ballerina, princess or astronaut?

That young voice made us fearless – we believed we could conquer the world or the tall slide at the park. As we aged, that voice changed goals – we realized we would need to have a job to buy things so our dream changed. We now wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, boss, secretary or teacher. We saw these people and they had an impact on our lives – our mothers or fathers may have had these jobs and we wanted to emulate our parents.

In our adolescence this inner voice became our moral compass. It told us when to help a stranger cross the street and not to hurt animals. It also helped us stand up for others when we saw injustice. That voice may have gotten muffled in our teens when peer pressure became louder. It would still roar at times when we saw an injustice that shook us to the core. It was still there, it was just not as loud as the noise around us.

In our twenties that voice screams at us to do what is right but we are so used to ignoring it, that we tune it out to have fun. How many chose a major suggested by parents or guidance counselors because it offered a good career track rather than following our passions. We got our degree, found a job and started a career. Life was flowing as it “should” and we were satisfied being normal.

As we get older and start taking stock of our lives, that inner voice starts grumbling, it is not happy, wants to be heard. Something is lacking. We feel unfulfilled and notice that something is missing in our lives. Have we missed our calling? Are we just getting by? Living by someone else’s rules?

What is your inner voice trying to tell you? Can you hear it? What needs to change so that you can feel fulfilled?

Punctuality – A Sign of Respect

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When did we start celebrating tardiness? We wear it like a badge of honor; as if being overscheduled and in-demand is a sign of success. This is what I hear when my habitually late friends apologizes yet again for being more than 15 minutes late to lunch or dinner, ” so sorry I am late but I had something more important to do than be on time for you.”

And it Is interesting to see when we are tardy. We are punctual for job interviews but not for lunch with a dear friend. We are on time for the game so that we don’t miss kick off but we miss our child’s performance in their school recital. We are on time for standardized tests but late to Thanksgiving Dinner.

We can be on time when the penalty is in real time and may include an economic or social cost. But what about the costs to our loved ones and relationships? Have you considered the message you are sending when you are habitually late to important events? You may think the school play in silly but to your child, it is their big day to show off their talents – and you weren’t there.

Or Thanksgiving Dinner when Aunt Belle has been up since 5 AM preparing the turkey and trimmings. Lunch is set for Noon and you show up at 12:30 because you forgot to buy the cranberry sauce and had to go to the market across town. Everyone has been waiting and now the turkey is cold.

How about that time when you agreed to meet a girlfriend for shopping at 1 PM on a Sunday afternoon. She leaves to be there on time and you text her at 1:15 to say you are on your way…. And then when you get there, you are disappointed when she has to leave at 3 PM because she already had plans but rearranged them so that she could see you?

I know, I know. Things happen all the time. Sometimes there is traffic or the dog throws up as you are grabbing your keys, your toddler has a meltdown or you teenager chooses that moment to talk to you about a problem. Your friends will forgive you for those – its the perfect blue sky days when the kids are at camp and you are habitually 20 minutes late that really irritate your friends and makes them wonder if they are a priority for you.

When a boss is always late for meetings, it is seen as a power play. When an employee is always late for meetings, it is seen as ineptitude. When a friend is always late, it is felt as nonchalance. When a parent is always late, it is felt as uncaring. All of these are rooted in respect – for the individual and their time.

Encouraging Others

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When you encourage someone, be specific and authentic. Do you want to encourage the actions taken? For example, “that was a good, strong swing – you kept you head down and followed through.” Are you encouraging the dedication? “I am so proud of you for completing the 5K; I know you trained diligently.”

We all appreciate words of encouragement when they are meaningful and heartfelt.

Everyone has a story.

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I spent Saturday at Book “Em North Carolina. This is a local event that brings writers and fans together. Over 75 authors were there and there were 17 break out sessions ranging from publishing to setting the scene to finding inspiration. These were people finding joy in interaction with others and sharing their passions.

Everyone participating was willing to share their knowledge and experience. Some wrote fiction and many wrote creative non-fiction.

Everyone has a story – we just have to be ready to hear it. And share it.

Are you offering advice or criticizing?

On By April HugheyIn Meaningful Existence, Priorities, ReflectionLeave a comment

When your friend comes to you with a problem, do you listen and empathize? Or are you ready to tell them how to solve the problem before they can share? Sometimes we just want to share our story with our friends, just to hear what is sounds like out loud. We aren’t always looking to you to tell us how to live our lives but want to the human connection that comes from being heard. We want to know that we are in this life by ourselves but have friends that we can rely on when we want a sympathetic ear.

Too often, friends offering unsolicited advice are heard as criticizing our actions or behaviors. Anytime we start a sentence with the words “you should”, we are criticizing or making a judgment We are in essence telling someone who came to us in trust that we do not believe they can make their own decisions. When we should all over our friends, are we really giving them what they need or making ourselves feel better?

When you feel yourself about to say ‘You should”, take a breath and ask your friend what they want to hear from you – advice or compassion.

Embracing the Discomfort

On By April HugheyIn Meaningful Existence, Priorities, ReflectionLeave a comment

Social media. It’s here to stay, and depending on your age, it is a way to connect with friends you haven’t seen in awhile or it’s the way you manage your social calendar. It is also gives people a sense of freedom to mock, disparage or otherwise disrespect beliefs and opinions that are different from the ones they hold.

It is easy to mock what we don’t understand but I think we should embrace our discomfort. If we do not understand something, respectfully ask questions and seek to be empathetic with the other. I know that we try to dispel our discomfort with humor but some of our humor is hate speech in disguise. Some of our hate speech is insidious – it is taboo to insult someone based on race or physical ability but we feel free to insult someone’s gender, alma mater, political party, size, nationality or economic status.

I think it comes down to seeing the other as a threat to our own comfort. To understand someone different from ourselves makes us examine our own beliefs.  For the Republican and  Democrat to sit down and have a meaningful discussion of their philosophical differences requires both to be willing to listen rather than pointing our where the other is wrong. It is best to look for common ground, understand each other’s belief and realize that we are making a choice in our own belief.

Religion is our main belief system whether we want to admit it or not. Our religious upbringing colors our view of the world. The Greeks and Romans had their own mythologies to explain the world, the Christians and Muslims have theirs.  We even have our own familial mythologies – stories that are handed down through the generations that explain why we do what we do and become our traditions. Our traditions, or rituals, ground us and help us make sense of our world.

We are becoming a global society and, in Western society, it is not acceptable to discriminate against someone based on race, sex or ability. When we are presented with beliefs that are different from our own, I encourage us to embrace that discomfort and seek to understand what is making us uncomfortable. Is it a personal belief or a fundamental difference in values. There is a difference between expressing your individuality and being consciously disrespectful.

I personally do not like coconut but that does not mean I cannot understand that someone else would love it.

Creating a Lifelong Learning Habit

On By April HugheyIn Career Developmnet, Meaningful Existence, PrioritiesLeave a comment

I have always been a Learner – I think most of us are. As children, we were naturally curious beings. If you watch a small child, note the wonder in their eyes as they enjoy swinging at the park or splashing through puddles. Remember their joy when you read the same story to them for the fiftieth time and they wanted you to read it again? At what point did learning become a chore?

Can we bring back the fun to learning? What is the secret? Can we make it an enjoyable habit for life?

According to Charles Duhigg and Dr, Oakley, habits have four components: the cue, the response, the reward and the accompanying belief. What reward can we give ourselves to make learning an enjoyable habit again? Do you want to learn a new language? Explore astrophysics? Learn to cha-cha? Finish the degree you started? Train for a 10K?

Since our brain does not come with a user’s manual, we must look to neuroscience to find the answers. There are quite a few resources to help us. Two of my favorites are  http://www.brainrules.org/ and www.brainfacts.org.The phrase sound mind, sound body keeps repeating. I read Brain Rules a few years ago and it fed my interest to know more. That is why I enrolled in the MOOC Learning How to Learn. I wanted to see more of what I had learned and putting all of this together has been affirming.

The best things you can do for yourself and your learning is to exercise and get a good night’s sleep! Aerobic and cardiovascular exercise are key to helping the mind move between focused to diffuse thinking. Per Dr. Terrence Sejnowski, http://www.hhmi.org/news/exercise-improves-learning-and-memory  when we exercise we are building new nerve cells and neural pathways which help us build memory and understand the material. So, if you have been sitting in that desk chair for awhile, you need to get up and move around. Take a walk, go for a run, play fetch with the dog – just get off the couch!  http://www.cnn.com/2015/01/21/health/sitting-will-kill-you.

So, once you review the science, how do you develop the discipline to learn? There is a wonderful MOOC available at https://www.coursera.org/ titled Learning How to Learn.  Dr. Oakley shares techniques both in her MOOC and book A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science. She tackles procrastination using the Pomodoro Technique  http://pomodorotechnique.com/ and focusing on the process rather than the product. An application of the Pomodoro Technique can be found with the Couch to 5K method of training – you don’t start out running a 5K the first day of training but instead alternate between running and walking for 30 minutes. You start your timer and go. To work on the process (form) rather than the product (distance), you deliberately practice running as fast as you can for a shorter distance.  During this practice, you are work on form (process) rather than product (running) to help train yourself to use the proper running  form to protect you from injury rather than endurance.

Although I was never an athlete, I decided that I needed to get out of my comfort zone of the cerebral and reconnect with my physical self. I signed up for a race with a friend and then had to get serious.  I had given her my word, I could not back out now. So, I didn’t want to just jump right in so I did some research. I found a running plan, put an app on my phone and found a good playlist. We completed the 5K and now have to set the next goal for ourselves – we have signed up for another 5K and I have registered for a 10K and joined a training program.  I am now also doing the research on proper nutrition and training and the right equipment and how to prepare for the weather….

Now to make learning a habit…. You must address all four parts of habit. The cue – have you set up a place in your house to study? Do you study at a particular time of day? What triggers your brain that you are about to focus? The next step in the process is routine – this is where you apply the learning techniques from Dr. Oakley. Changing this routine increasing your learning efficiency. Now the reward – have you understood a complex section of text? Learned new vocabulary?  Mastered the dance? This feeling of accomplishment may be all the reward you need or maybe you allow yourself a piece of chocolate or a short visit to a favorite website. The final part of habit is belief. You have to believe in your abilities to learn the material. I did not believe myself to be a runner, but now it is becoming a habit.  I put on my shoes which helps me get out the door. I do a short warm up and then I start running.  I get the reward at the end of the run in my feelings of accomplishment and confidence. I feel my body changing and have more energy. The positive feedback from friends doesn’t hurt either!

And after a full day of learning, make sure to get a good night’s sleep so that you can move the short term memory into long term memory.  Sleep has been shown to help us consolidate our memories http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/matters/benefits-of-sleep/learning-memory and solidify our learning.

 

If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted….

On By April HugheyIn Career Developmnet, Priorities, Reflection2 Comments

I remember reading once that if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted. I have said this to a few and I am often met with arguments and questions. So many are afraid that if you can be replaced, you are not needed. There is a difference between being irreplaceable and indispensable.

Being irreplaceable means that you get pigeon-holed into one position and others cannot see you in any other area of responsibility. You become the go-to guy for a particular topic and your opinion is not sought for other issues.

When you become indispensable, you are more valuable to the team than merely your job responsibility. You are an integral part of the team and your opinion is considered when there are new opportunities or issues to be resolved. You are empowered to do you job with a level of autonomy that you have earned though diligence and integrity.

What sets the indispensable apart from the irreplaceable? There are four distinct characteristics.

◾Generosity – the indispensable share their knowledge with others. They are willing to teach others the skills they have. They mentor others and are not threatened with others learning what they do.
◾Networking – the indispensable build a network with others in their company and industry.They know who can help a friend or colleague.
◾Attitude- the indispensable finds value in their contribution to the team. S/he comes into work everyday ready to tackle the day and enjoy their work. They do not complain about the job they do or how hard the work is.
◾Curiosity – the indispensable are curious about the people and responsibilities around them. They want to understand the process and how they fit into it.

Being indispensable is a decision and a choice everyday.